***DISCLAIMER***
This post is specifically towards women and it ain’t no feel good, brighten up your day kind of subject (Don’t judge my grammatical errors either. There’s a time and place for everything and “ain’t no” is fitting.). So if you’re feeling a little under the weather and need a pick-me-up, come back and read this post another day ladies.
I had a discussion the other night with a female friend – one that I’ve never dated nor had sexual relations with – about her failures in choosing “Mr. Right”. She’s approaching that milestone age of 30 that most women fear. It’s like they look at their life like death is upon them once it’s reached. The truth is, most haven’t really become women until that age anyway. All the other years of adulthood were spent being a little girl in a grown woman’s body. But it got me to thinking about my confusions with women and how it wrecked my brain trying to figure out how to make one woman happy. The best advice I can give a man going through the same: “Make yourself happy and hope she follows. If not, there was nothing you could have ever done to please her.”
A woman named Angie said, “I want to marry a nice guy. Someone who loves and respects his mother” but dates a drug dealer or a known womanizer from the age of 22 to 25. Then she meets a nice guy who loves and respects his mother and decides to go out on a date with him. He picks her up, opens doors and pulls out chairs, asks periodically how she’s doing and if she needs anything. He makes sure the conversation during dinner is about lighthearted subjects and things that would make her smile. He walks her to her door after the date and tells her how much he enjoyed the night and that he’d love to go out with her again. Later, Angie receives a phone call from her girlfriend who’s inquiring abut the date. “Girl, dinner was wonderful. He took me to a really nice restaurant, was very charming and respectful. I enjoyed myself,” Angie said. “That’s nice. I wish I had someone like that. So when are you two going out again?”, the friend asks. “I don’t know. I don’t think we’re a good match. He’s a little too reserve for me”, Angie replies.
Angie decides to let the relationship with the nice guy who loves and respects his mother die, even though he tried and tried to win her back. She’s now 27 years old, single and back out on the scene. She’s hitting the clubs, happy hours and taking trips with the girls to Vegas, Puerto Rico and Miami. Life is wonderful. She’s being courted by well established men who treat her like a princess but nothing too serious; just the occasional trip here, the random one-nighter’s there and then it’s on to the next thing. This goes on for two years and Angie begins to grow tired of it. She’ll be 30 next year and now wants to settle down and marry, start a family.
If Angie knew she wanted to marry and be a mother one day, why’d she choose to live the life of a whore and expect a good man to clean up behind that? A whore isn’t just the woman who performs sexual acts for money in motels. A whore is one who sells their soul for minuscule, non-rewarding gifts. A trip to Miami and a weekends stay in Bal Harbor is nice, but it can also cost you the life with a man you’ve always wanted. A trip to Montana in the end of January when you know you don’t ski and hate the cold could cause the man that loves you to never be able to trust you again. Being the fixture at the celebrities table at the club may label you as the wrong woman to “wife up”. My suggestion to these women: pick a lane and stay in it.
Satisfaction isn’t about settling, it’s about having peace of mind. Everyone fantasizes about their future and what they’d want in it. But if happiness in a relationship is what you ultimately seek, then your counterpart’s career goals or education or wealth should be secondary to that. Would you rather be married to a rich man who keeps you as a trophy or a poor man that loves you like his Queen? The nice cars and houses and trips may be attractive but what does it matter when you can’t rightfully call it yours?
Men do this too, but today, my thoughts are directed towards women who deserve good men but choose to fall victim to what’s popular instead of what’s right, pure and a direct reflection of who they really are. The character “Angie” that I created for this story is alive in a lot of you. Part of the reason we hear the common phrase “there are no good men left out here” is due to that woman’s existence in yourself. Angie is also a part of the reason most men feel we cannot show you how genuine, loving, caring, and supportive we are too. So change up your existence and make up your damned mind!
The B2 Xpress 
Men are simple but women DO complicate them and the situation. We always want a reaction and create situations that do not need to be in existence. Im learning… slowly but surely but thats because I WANT to. Women such as Angie, do not. But I like the whole “whore” metaphor… so true!
Jen, I predict that you’re in a stable relationship…am I right?
I think the mindset of the “Angie’s” of the world has a lot to do with the messages they received as a child from their social environment, which often extends into their later years. In my own experience, I can’t count all of the times I’ve heard that a man “should be buying you that house”, or a man “should be leaving you money for bills”. I chose not to heed those admonishments – I work so that I don’t have to rely on anyone to do that, but I had a strong role model – my mom, a single parent who never received child support and didn’t depend on anyone to take care of me. The “Angie’s” of the world who aren’t as fortunate as I count myself to be probably grew up believing that material things are what count the most in a relationship, and that love isn’t significant. It’s more a question of misplaced priorities. In a relationship where love is paramount, eventually you get all the things you want. But eventually is too slow in our “I want it now, I need it now” society.
Part of the issue is that the “Angie’s” in life want a wedding not a marriage. There is a distinct difference. When you are truely seeking a partnership with someone.. someone to walk with you through life, (in my opinion) that’s when you are ready for marriage. Marriage shouldn’t be the end all to a women or a man’s life goals. Your responsibilities are heightened after the union. In marriage you have to have a plan and vision for the marriage. If you don’t your just merely co-habitating in the same living space.
I know many “Angies” who can have what they want staring them in the face, but deep down inside they don’t have the tools sustain a relationship with their “ideal” man. This is why the lame excuses come into play about him being too reserved. Truth is “Angie” still has a lot of work to do internally, and some of her superficialities need to die before she’ll be the wife someone needs.
You sound like a Preacher’s Kid…and you know what they say about PK’s???
Angie is confused. Living life in the fast lane, is not so fabulous after all, huh?…She probably hasn’t had the time to appreciate the smaller things in life. Therefore, either 1 of 2 things has occurred #1 she took a step back saw all her friends are married w/ kids (darn that peer pressure; thought it ended in high school?) and/or #2 she heard the alarming statistic that >50% of her viable eggs will have died by the time she hits 30 and is now racing to settle down….On the other hand, it’s a shame for her to have spent a huge chunk of her valuable life (fertile years) chasing something she believed could make her happy (i.e. mini trips here and there, being treated like a princess,etc.) but in the end it was only a temporary fix for what she really wanted. Then what? surrogacy, adoption? JA
Ms. Flores…let’s just hope she’s thinking like you. But you never know. There are a lot of “Angie’s” out there “winning”.
I know. Unfortunately, I to have watched one too many Tyler Perry movies.
“Angie” is insecure. She self-medicated loneliness with superficial romance, expensive things, and the “speed” of life. I know a few people you would put into this category. This reminds me of something I told one of my “player” friends a long time ago… You are who you practice. There’s nothing about you today that will miraculously change tomorrow.
I’m not suggesting that declining luxurious trips is the difference between married at thirty or single at forty, but I will say the decisions you make about what’s right for you affect your chances of showing the right ones that you’re in their stratosphere. I guess that was your point. Also, thanks for mentioning how “harmless” little things can turn off the person you want (i.e. sitting at the celebrities’ table at the club).
Not sure how I feel about the sentiment, “If you knew you wanted to be a wife and mother before, why haven’t you been acting like it all along?” I don’t think we should have stale lives in fear of what others think of us, but at minimum we must be okay that others always interpret our actions — sometimes unfavorably — and assign them according to their own values, not our intentions.
*still pondering*
Hey Stacey…
You made some very good points. I couldn’t agree more. Living the “single Life” is a privilege and – if afforded – should be enjoyed.
Assume you want to run for political office. Would it be wise to smoke marijuana in college? How about if you knew you wanted to be an engineer? Drug tests have caused people to completely change their life-long dreams. That’s the correlation I’m making about living the life as if you want to show that that’s the woman you ultimately want to become. No one wants to clean up the scantily clad dressed girls who are always at some man’s table in the club, stumbling into his car on a weekly basis and make her his wife. I hope…
The funny thing is the “Angie’s” dont even realize they are “Angie”. Until they turn 30, and their looks start to fade, careers not where it should be, dont have anything close to the potential of a family. And last but not least, Dont know what to look for in a MAN, because she never dated MEN. Only dated SPONSORS. Maybe because its accepted in society for a woman to just skate through life. I admit I did my fair share of sposoring too but I always got serious when I met a REAL WOMAN.
Have to agree the whore metaphor is on point.
Thanks G!
If only more women knew how much control over there lives they are forfeiting by choosing to let “Angie” drive.