Monthly Archives: May 2009

This Should Be Illegal To Do

I enter the theater with my pass to preview a film before its release date at no cost.  The smell of popcorn and nachos fill the air, taking control of my legs and forcing me to take one step at a time towards the concession stand.  I’m anxiously anticipating this experience as if I’d originally set out to view this film before.  As I give the viewing pass to the attendee he responds, “Thank you very much, Sir.  Please continue to theater twenty and enjoy your film.”

I enter the theater twenty minutes before the film is scheduled to begin.  I find the ideal seat – very top row, plenty of leg room, directly center screen.  A local radio station employee who helped promote the screening welcomes the audience to the theater and gives a few chants to lift our spirits…it works.  A group a young girls dressed like Punky Brewster give a dance routine (albeit, the music they intended to dance over was amplified through speakers that couldn’t have been more powerful than your average Emerson alarm clock radio)…this didn’t work.  Finally, the lights dim and the movie is set to begin and sadly, I’m almost done with my snacks.

*** DISCLAIMER ***

Please, do not judge me.  The film you’re about to read a review on does not reflect the personal nor recreational preferences of theb2xpress.  The film was free and it’s hard to turn down free things.  Again, do not judge theb2xpress for viewing this film.

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I know, I know.  I’ve seen the previews more than I’d like to as well.  And, no, not one time did I ever say I’d like to see the movie, even if it were on regular television.  But a free movie is a free movie.

If you watched the preview I posted – which lasts almost two and a half minutes – then you just sat through more of the film than I did.  This film wasn’t worth free!  Damien Dante, Keenan Ivory, Shawn, and Marlon Wayans should be ashamed of themselves for wasting $25 million to produce this film.  Don’t they know it’s a recession?  That $25 million should have been donated to help those in foreclosure, or to help finance those with medical billing troubles.  Better yet, they should have paid for a promising youth’s education to film school so that they won’t grow up to be like them.

I spent more time writing this blog entry than in the theater to see this film.  DO NOT SPEND YOUR MONEY TO SEE THIS FILM! I hope that last statement wasn’t necessary but just in case it needed to be said, you’ve been warned.

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Summer Movies

This Summer seems to be filled with quality films for those theater enthusiasts such as myself. For me – although it wasn’t quite Summer yet – J.J. Abrams heated things up with Star Trek. Next up, on May 21st Joseph McGinty Nichol – also known as McG – directs Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale, Sam Worthington and Common.

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I wasn’t familiar with McG so I Wiki’d him.  He previously directed both Charlie Angel’s (eh, wasn’t my cup of tea) and We Are Marshall (hmm, not a bad film) which he also produced.

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Next up…the most anticipated film of the Summer, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!

Micheal Bay returns to the helm of the Transformers series (a third edition is already in development stages) with a return of the successful cast from the original film produced in 2007.  You’ll have a little over a month to wipe away the drool from Terminator so prepare your chops for the June 24th release date of the Transformer sequel.  Oh yeah, by the way, Mr. Steven Spielberg serves as the films Executive Producer…hence the hefty $200 million budget.  Ahem!

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Sorry for the link to the trailer…it was the best available trailer that could be embedded into this post 😦

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Micheal Mann (Ali – 2001, Miami Vice – 2006, Hancock – 2008) gets back into the director’s chair to bring us Public Enemies on July 1st, a film set during The Great Depression (the irony, huh?) where an FBI agent chases down infamous criminals by the name of John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd…no, not the undefeated boxer who nicknamed himself Money Mayweather.

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Christian Bale must be feeling the wrath of this recession because he’s starring in two Summer sizzlers, this time alongside Johnny Depp and Marion Cotillard (if you haven’t heard of her she’ll also be returning to the big screen this Fall in Nine…check for that flick).

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Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing – 2004, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor – 2008) presents us with a film about one of America’s most popular action figures ever sold.  G. I. Joe is set to be in theaters August 7th.  The film is forwarded ten years so that those who are unfamiliar with the cartoon series can follow along but not so far off that the old schoolers such as myself feel left behind.  It’s not so much an All-Star cast in this film but Dennis Quaid, Rachel Nichols – whom also played in Star Trek – and Marlon Wayans (yep, that Marlon Wayans) seem to give a little weight to this film.  Rumor has it other box office hitmen/women were contacted to be cast but had prior engagements.  This Summer is going to be hot!

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Who Would Fall This Crap?

I pay attention…to everything.  I’ve mastered the ability to be aware of my surroundings while driving way over the speed limit with my knees and seeing the police up ahead or half a mile behind me and knw to slow down before I’ve been pegged.  But I also see other things.  I’m very attentive, therefore, I’m also extremely inquisitive too.

So as I’m watching television the other night – really late at night – there were two commercials played back-to-back that both cracked me up and pissed off simultaneously.

Commercial #1

Wait a minute, wait a minute…you mean to tell me you want me to mail you my jewlery and you will pay me what you think I deserve afterwards?  Get the hell out of here!  Who would fall for this crap?

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Commercial #2

Wait a minute, wait a minute…you mean to tell me you’ll loan me a couple hundred bucks in exchange for the title to my car?  Who would fall for this crap?

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Seriously people, no one should be this stupid, right?

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A New Era

While growing up in DC, I got a chance to hear music from all walks of life. My parents mostly rocked the oldies…James Brown, Gladys Knight and The Pips, Marvin Gaye, Lena Horne, and many others. DC has its own musical culture too where Go-Go reigned supreme. I liked what my parents listened to and embraced my city’s own but I loved the music that had that techno break with heavy percussion, a lot of mixing and scratching, and was always heard blaring from car stereo speakers or huge boom boxes. Hip Hop.

I knew of the Sugar Hill Gang, Grandmaster Flash and DJ Red Alert but I had no idea what they looked like because we didn’t have cable television back then. But every now and then I’d get a visual taste of what hip hop had to offer.

My first glance was ‘Beat Street’ in the mid-80’s and after watching it I knew of two things. One, I had to learn how to break and two, I was in love with Rae Dawn Chong.

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Within the same year I saw another cult flick that was a hip hop classic. This movie was more intense with its dancing but looking back on it now, it is rather corny. Oh, and another love of mine was in this movie too, Lela Rochon.

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Today, break dancing is still around but has taken on a new spin and to be honest with you, I like it. The funny thing about it is the kids you see embracing the old art form of break dancing now weren’t even walking, let alone even born, when these two movies were in theaters. Here are a few videos I like.

First up, from Washington, DC…The Beat Your Feet Kings

Next up, from Atlanta, GA…Kenneth ‘Xclusive’ Paryo

And last but not least, from.Santa Ana, CA…David ‘Elsewhere’ Bernal (oh, I did my research and he’s 29 years old)

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Filed under Film, Movies, Music, Nostalgia, The B2 Xpress

You Are Who You Were Before You Got Here

Do you remember the little kid who use to steal little girls’ Barbie dolls and set them on fire when you were in elementary school? You know, he’s the one who used to set insects ablaze with a magnifying glass in middle school and set trash cans on fire in high school. Well guess what? He was arrested for none other than arson.

Oh, and remember the girl who would purposely wear a short skirt on Fridays because it was “Freaky Friday” in elementary school? You know, the one who would remove her training bra and let the boys see her breasts for $5 in middle school and…well, you know what she did in high school. Well guess what? She’s a prostitute now.

People, what I’m really trying to say is that sometimes we need to call things exactly what they are. Those little bastards stealing cars before they can see over the steering wheel will end up in the penitentiary. There’s no need trying to save them either. So teachers, save your breath trying to teach these heathens how to read, add and subtract. Just put their bad asses in the corner and watch your back until the final bell rings. You don’t want to give them hope like this little floozy here:

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Embedded video from CNN Video

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It’s Cinco de Mayo!

This is truly one of my favorite days of the year simply because it’s usually nice weather, there’s plenty of good food and drinks and everyone is looking for a reason to enjoy themselves.  But what I don’t like about it is that the Mexican culture never embraces our festivities the same way we do theirs.  Yes, I said it.  Do you disagree?

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When was the last time you saw a Mexican eating ribs at the Black Family Reunion?

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Whites and Blacks support Mexican restaurants and love their beers.  Do we see the same in return?

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Have you ever seen a Mexican wear a t-shirt with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. or Malcolm X on it?

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And why are all of our American cultures spun with a little Mexican twist?

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These are legitimate questions  in my opinion and by no means do I intend to offend anyone.  If I have, perdóneme por favor.  In my opinion, we all embrace the festivities and enjoy them the way they are intended.  True, some of our friends from the other persuasion may not have any rhythm and use incorrect terminology when trying to be cool and order their meals in Spanglish, but hey, at least they tried.  No one tries to alter the day and make it their own, we all genuinely want it to be as authentic as possible.  But in other cases, it’s not that way.

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So, with that said, to all my fellow Chicanos, Happy Cinco de Mayo!

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Filed under Film, relationships

The Secret Is Out

I may not be afraid of lions, tigers or bears but thanks to Swine Flu, Bird Flu and Mad Cow Disease I sure am scared of BLT’s, the 4 wings with fries special and Double Whoppers with cheese.

But, I gotta special treat for you this evening. A young man that you all know as Slim the Hustler from the ‘I Ain’t Snitchin’ episode of “Hood Figgas.” I want you to put your hands together and welcome him to the blog. A big round of applause, for Paradise Missionary Baptist Church’s own, Mr. Crash Cut. Yes! Give it up for Mr. Crash Cut y’all.

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Man!  Did you see the choir trying to hold back their laughter?  People in the pews were giving each other high fives and whispering sweet nothings in their neighbors ears.  Even the Pastor came in with the, “Okay brotha.  Sit yo’ ass down!” attitude, wiped his tears of laughter away and started singing another song that everyone knew and said, “Maybe y’all know this one.”

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Hallelujah!  Hashabalah!

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