Monthly Archives: April 2009

Hypothetically speaking…

I am under attack. The Lords of Insanity are sending their messengers and soldiers to infiltrate my life. I try to ignore them but I still somehow find myself engaging into battle with them but then I realize that I must digress and retreat to fight another day. As much as it pains me to let certain subjects of Tom Foolery (that’s right…Tom damned Foolery) go without replying to them I do it anyway, then get sucked back into trying to save someone and then talk sense into myself again and shut up.

Here are a few tests that I’ve endured recently.

Hypothetically speaking…assuming no laws or sound morals have been or will be broken:

If a friend or relative of yours raises their children in a way you wouldn’t if they were yours, would you tell them what you feel they should do even if you’re in their house?

If your neighbor introduces you to a female friend of his one night and on a different night you see him with a different female, is it your duty to find out who she is and decipher what the nature of their relationship is?

If someone else’s actions hurt you in your past and you saw another person experiencing what looks to be the same thing you endured, do you save them by giving them step-by-step instructions on what you would do if you were them?

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I have more, if you’d like…

If you see a woman wearing a nice pair of shoes on the train, do you ask her where she purchased them from?

If you see a white woman walking a brown child do you ask if the father is black?

If someone starts to scratch themselves in the bank do you ask if they are on heroin?

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If someone makes an attempt to gossip and ask if you’ve heard of something you know nothing about, do you ask for more information and involve yourself voluntarily in the gossiping? And then exclude yourself later when the crap hits the fan?

I believe that if more of us minded our own damned business we’d have less arguements in the grocery store and less automobile accidents caused by rubber-neckers and those that like to drive forwards by looking at what you’re doing behind them in their rear view mirror. More people would get to work on time and less butt kickings will be handed out in grade schools across the country.

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By no means do I endorse or condone this nonsense either! How do you tell someone else to mind their business when you’re out there stealing from others? Pot and kettling aren’t we?

Take responsibility in your own actions. People are always quick to tell another person what they should be doing, especially the one’s that should be reflecting upon themselves instead of someone else. You ever notice how most people who have their lives together pass by those that are dragging their feet? Why stop your progress to let some fool know what they are doing wrong? I believe that there’s a need for the lady in the neighborhood that knows everybody’s name but if she starts causing problems because of what she knows about folks then she becomes the fuel that ignites the fire.

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Filed under relationships, The B2 Xpress

So, you don’t want to cuddle?

“B, what type of man just wants to cuddle?”

The question startled the hell out of me.  Many of my friends have come to me for my thoughts on situations they were going through but what makes this friend think I’d know why her partner wanted to just cuddle with her?  I think I was initially thrown off because I was deeply engaged with a plate of buffalo wings inside one of DC’s most Republican bars on Capitol Hill.  So the irony of all things around me and the question being asked of me caused a raised brow.

I answered the question – after wiping my mouth and taking a swig of my drink – with a swift, “What in the hell are you talking about?”

Turns out, her male friend of 13 years – often noted as her “best friend” who sometimes doubles as the “asshole” but never the “boyfriend”, “significant other” or “husband” – decided that this time around, in the intimate hours of the night, that he just wanted to hold her.  At this point I’m becoming furious with this woman.  Not only is she keeping me from my 25 cent buffalo wings and the first of quite a few half priced Jack and Coke’s with this nonsense, but she’s choosing to do this by asking me what I thought HIS problem was.  His problem?

It’s funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same.  I’m going to use another musical selection that chronologically breaks down how women have warped the brains of men causing us to burden the blame eventhough we were trying to please them.

For me and most other men my age, it all began with the songs from our parents past.  Our fathers’ admired this individual and tried their best to mirror all that they could that resembled his music.  He’s known as “The Godfather of Soul”, “The Hardest Working Man in Show Business”, and “Soul Brother Number One.”  He’s James Brown.

James Brown set the standard for what a man should be in the 60’s.  He sang lyrics that honored hardworking men who provided for their families.  James Brown also talked about “Living in America” and cultural issues while dancing like no one had ever seen before.  Back then, if you couldn’t sing or play an instrument, you better be a superb dancer and know how to fight.  Just being a smart man in a woman’s eyes wasn’t man enough.  But when the news hit the fan about Mr. Brown’s run in with police, women turned on him quicker than Judas did Jesus Christ.  So we cut the perms out, stopped processing our hair, and supported the Civil Rights Movement.  We would become smooth brothers with a purpose, a cause and waiting for a reason to fight.

Then the bras and panties started to be thrown on stage when the smooth, yet mean, Teddy Pendegrass yelled at his women to “Close the Door” and “Turn Off the Lights.”

Women would scream for him, cry for him, even take his hand and go on stage with him – leaving their dates behind who’d purchased the tickets to see the man perform.  Trying to be all James Brown got your women stolen by Teddy P.  But Mr. Pendergrass would never be the same after a near fatal car accident paralyzed him from the waist down.  Those demonstrative songs where he barked his sexual commands to his women were left limp.  The site of him in a wheelchair ruined the sexual fantasies of women wanting to be taken by such a macho man.  So we adapted – again – and changed things up.  This time – just like the last time and the time before that – we thought we had it all figured out.  Since the stand-up guy thing was long gone and the smooth, macho man had had it’s stay, we figured it was time to soften it up a little bit and fulfill the needs of women.  Instead of inflicting our wills upon them, let’s try listening to them and doing what they tell us to do.  Yes, that’s it!

Ralph Tresvant picked up on this new movement quickly and was praised by women for being a man with “Sensitivity.”

Men across the nation adopted the silky, but not too silky, vibe.  We embraced our sensitivities and opened up our hearts for all women to see.  We cleaned up our acts so that a “Tenderoni” or “PYT” would notice us.  A “Smooth Criminal” was a force to be reckoned with until March 3, 1991 when several LAPD oficers beat the living snot out of a man named Rodney King.

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Rodney King was a pioneer in this new transformation of men.  He embraced the decades before him.  The 60’s in him are evident from the plastic covered couches he had in his house.  The representation of the 70’s were shown through his flare and dancing in the streets while the cops had their guns drawn on him.  The 80’s – well, he was drinking 40 ounce malt liquor beverages and had a wave nouveau.  But when he opened his mouth, the 90’s began.

After the subsequent acquittal of the LAPD officers involved in the beating of Rodney king, riots from Los Angeles to Atlanta were the focus of the media’s attention.  Of course we were upset with the results of what should have been a simple traffic stop.  Of course we were appauled by the lack of common sense the jurors possessed who ruled over the case.   But what hurt us most of all was that we had to admit that the sensitive, smooth, I’m-a-lover-not-a-fighter attitude was our third and final strike against our women.  Especially when he said, “Can’t we all just get along?”

The love ballads were dead.  Any dude caught singing without a baritone voice or dancing like a Fly Girl from ‘In Living Color’ was banished from the new era of black men.  If you weren’t a gangster and going around telling everyone that you were then the ladies looked at you as soft and a doormat.  Even the kids caught on to this. 

Today, it’s even worse.  After all the changes we’ve endured in the past we now have men that sing sexually explicit songs and use women as their subjects but I’m not too convinced it’s their intended audience.  Catch my drift?

So in conclusion, this poor woman is torturing herself by trying to understand the complexities of our significant others.  But, how many heterosexual men have been told by their significant other, “Baby, can we just cuddle tonight?”  When I asked my friend how many times she’d denied his sexual wishes in the past she answered, “Several.”  When I asked her how many times he’d done the same she answered, “That’s not the point.”  I’m getting much better at convincing myself that everyone else in this world is crazy but me.  We have men telling women to think like men and women telling men how to be a man.  For Steve Harvey – a self proclaimed, born again player – to write a book about the lies men tell is perposterous to me.  Is Steve a little upset that his days of running the streets and being with multiple women are over, so therefore, he’s going to ruin it for every other man wanting those experiences?  If someone needs reforming then they should buy a Bible, not Mr. Harvey’s book on what he did when he played with women’s emotions.  And I’ve never been a woman – thank God – so I’ll never assume that I know what it’s like to be one.  So ladies, do yourselves a favor and cut it out with the “a real man is…” this and that.  If you’re so good at being a man then you be responsible for the manual labor around the house and let us take care of the domestic duties.  Boy, I wonder what kind of punks we’d be then?

A joke was told to me once that said a man’s wife walks up to him and says, “Why would God make you so handsome and so stupid at the same time?”  The man looks at his wife and says, “Well, He made me handsome so you’d be attracted to me.  But He made me stupid so I’d be attracted to you.”

The Laws of Attraction haven’t changed but the people sure have.  Pleasing someone has never been an easy thing to do but blaming it on the other person for it turning sour seems to be a typical course of action.  Call me crazy for saying no one is in a relationship alone.  Who am I to think that compromise, communication and respect for others is imperative for any relationship to succeed?  You may never believe this, but some of you have lost your damned minds!

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Filed under Music, Nostalgia, relationships