Tag Archives: love

I’m Not As Smart As I Thought

It’s been a year and some change since my last confession…I mean, blog entry. You know this tune: “A lot has changed”, “I’ve grown up a little”, “I’ve met the love of my life”, and so on and so forth. So I’ll skip past all the back-patting and thumb away on my touchscreen keyboard.

I am not as smart as I thought I was.

Seriously, I’m not. I woke up today after a few hours rest and asked myself: “Self, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Self responded with some mumbo jumbo, politically correct answer because Self didn’t want to bruise his own ego. But I ignored Self and listened to Her.

I haven’t known Her for too long but it feels like I have. I hurt Her with little white lies that I thought were collateral for time I needed to correct insecurities about my Self (see what I did there?) without evaluating the ramifications of them inevitably coming back to haunt me. And man did they come back to haunt me tremendously.

Trust is earned through honest words and sincere, pure, non-confrontational actions that support those words. I failed miserably at doing this recently and in lies (ahem…) this confessional (I mean, blog entry).

A little white lie will most definitely lead to others. Sooner than you know, you’ve planted a field of white lies so thick it’s covered all of what’s true about yourself. And when those white lies blossom and die like all living things, your true Self is covered with wilted petals that give life to weeds. No one wants to plant roses in a garden full of weeds.

I tried to get away with that and the roots to the roses I was planting became suffocated. An “I’m sorry” isn’t going to repair the damages done to my garden. It’s time to put the gloves on, get down on my hands and knees and get dirty. Problem is, I’m not well versed in gardening.

I thought I knew a little bit about everything but I’m not as smart as I thought I was.

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Why Can’t I Get Married, Too?

Yep, I’m back…again. This time by request.

I took a leave of absence because I was told by a few folks that my opinions and comments on certain topics swayed their thoughts of me. Honestly, I laughed at first at one individual in particular but then shortly thereafter became curious as to why and to what extent her thoughts had changed. Well, the answers I received made me laugh even more: “I never knew you were so shallow and judgmental. It made me think twice about opening up and being honest with you.” The contradiction in this statement baffled me. I wanted to point it out but I realized that I was speaking to a foolish person.

So, here lies the reason I’m back, posting my thoughts away for the world (27 or so people) to read and then – undoubtedly – pass judgment upon me for being honest. “B, why can’t I find a good man? Someone who will just act right and make me his wife? I mean, am I asking too much?”

Those words spilled from her mouth with such sincerity I proceeded to talk to this female friend of mine for about 45 minutes about our views on the topic. We both went on and on about why we thought dating and marriage between African-Americans suffer so much, why biological clocks with women and the emergence of financial success in men cause a disconnect between the two, even why interracial dating is more prominent now than ever witnessed before. She supported almost every bullet point with an ABC News special on this exact topic. I hadn’t seen the special at that time but I’ve heard the story a million times over. Successful Black woman has worked hard to furnish herself with this, that and the third but still can’t find the man of her dreams. What’s wrong with the Black Community? The conversation between the two of us started out a healthy one, but then I became bothered by some of the things I heard her say about Black men in general and why “we” can’t and won’t commit to “them”. “Well, since you’re such the relationship expert nowadays B, why don’t you spread the wealth of knowledge?” She meant this sarcastically but nevertheless, here ya go!

First of all, women – not just African-Americans – need to stop with the demands and the excuses you call reasons for having them. I have this, I have that. He should this, he should that. No one owes you jack. Putting labels and setting bars on men because of your accomplishments is just as shallow as him saying he won’t settle down because he wants to take advantage of his options. I have several female friends who I consider marriage material – women who’d make great wives and wonderful mothers – that are single, bouncing in and out of relationships to taking a break from dating to being smitten by the guy who calls and asks how her day was. There’s no problem with Black men. This isn’t an issue of Black men being incarcerated, you never considered them your “type” anyway. The graduation rate of Black men has absolutely nothing to do with it either. Ladies, it’s you!

Secondly, start treating the relationships you do have with more respect. No man enjoys dating someone that doesn’t show him that he’s appreciated and wanted. If ladies want to be treated like Princesses and Queens, I’d suggest you learn how to treat us men like Princes and Kings. If you don’t then you’re “hustling backwards”. It’s like having a “Filet Mignon appetite with a dollar menu bank account” or “expecting Crystal with a Boones Farm mind-state”. No one opens a bank account with $10 and then expects to withdraw $100 from the ATM afterwards. The same goes for a relationship. While you’re looking at him to do all the work in the relationship – expecting him to sweep you off your feet – he’s wondering when and why you don’t feel it’s necessary to do the same for him.

Lastly, learn how to let a man be a man. We’ve all seen it before: A woman arguing with a man who doesn’t want to argue with her. He tries to walk away from the situation but she just keeps forcing the issue. I sometimes try to predict how much time goes past before he leaves her, or worse, smacks her across her face. (I don’t condone hitting women – especially in situations like this – but you got to admit, sometimes you understand when it does happen.)

My grandfather has a 6th grade education but runs the family farm, has 15 children, 22 grandchildren, 8 great-grandchildren, and loved my grandmother ’til her last living day so education and wealth have nothing to do with a Black man’s ability to be a loving father and committed husband. If every Black man looked at his accomplishments and demanded that a woman meet those standards, he’d be labeled “unreasonable” or “selfish”. It’s similar to a prenuptial agreement, the same agreement most women who make less than their counterpart deems disrespectful when asked to sign. So stop patting yourself on the back and making senseless demands on the men you date and start putting emphasis on the important things that really matter. Would a Black man with a degree, 6 figure salary and a respectful financial portfolio that hates children, dogs and your friends be a sufficient candidate for marriage? If so, consider yourself a shallow, gold digging…you-know-what. Now take away the accomplishments and replace them with modest achievements but add the fact that he loves you, cherishes your children and treats your friends like his own…is he looking a little more promising now?

My advice to these unfortunate, beautiful, successful Black women of prominence who have been mistreated by society, are under-appreciated by men because of all of their accolades and can’t find a Black man to marry them would be to get a grip on life and stop looking to men to grant you a life you don’t know how to give yourself. Your relationships as boyfriend and girlfriend should serve as practice before marriage. So, learn from them. If you keep hearing you’re an insensitive bitch, well, who the hell wants to marry that? Lastly, stop comparing yourself to others, especially chicks on television shows like “Desperate Housewives of…”, “Basketball Wives” and anything Beyonce sings.

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That’s Not What I Meant

I think that I’m a pretty civil individual – at least until I feel I must rebel against those that try to harm me.  I also believe that I think about the consequences of each decision I make and – win or lose – prepare myself for all possibilities of the outcome.  Most of the time I feel the decision will put me in a promising position and, well, other times I choose to fight fire with lighter fluid and know to not expect roses in the morning.  But in both situations I try to determine if I can handle the possible outcome, look at the situation from the other person’s perspective and then implement a plan of action to resolve the issue, no matter what the outcome may be.

So, in this post I will tell a few hypothetical stories and ask you to dissect between verbal intent and physical action and you tell me which one outweighs the other.

Scenario #1

barfight

An argument starts in a bar between two patrons that feel threatened by each other.  One patron feels the other is looking at him “the wrong way” and his masculinity is challenged.  He walks over and asks, “Is there a problem?  Why are you looking at me like that?”  Several seconds pass and now other people in their respected parties are intervening to separate the two men.  Somehow, they still manage to engage in a physical altercation that leads to them spilling out into the street and one patron beats the other to a pulp.  The unfortunate victim withstands several punches and kicks without a returned blow while the other guy is enraged so much that he has to be pulled off of the other guy.  The police show up and ask the patron who’s still conscious why he’d done what he did and he responds, “I didn’t mean for the guy to be hurt so badly.”  Does this make any sense to you?  How does this guy convince anyone that he didn’t mean to cause bodily harm to the other?

Scenario #2

fakelove

“Baby, look.  I know it was wrong for me to being seeing ol’ girl on the side and I hate that you had to find out the truth this way.  When I first told you about her I said she was just a friend.  I knew it was wrong but I thought I’d be able to end it without it affecting us.  Yes, I was in Vegas with her last year on your birthday but we didn’t do anything, I promise.  Baby, I need you to understand that I love you.  I just need a little more time to show you that I do.”

Say what?  How does one ask another to believe that they love them when their actions don’t support the words coming out of there mouths?  Where there is reason to doubt then there’s probable cause to deem something is wrong, right?

friends1

We all argue for different reasons and it’s normal for two people who believe that they are both correct to engage in a dispute.  Now, how we handle this dilemma is relatively different on a case by case basis.  The thing I try to determine when I am not agreeing with another person is “What is it that they want me to think?”  I look at the actions the other person has displayed and use that as a way to gauge what their intent is, not the other way around.  If I see a person running towards me with their fist clinched, even if I don’t know the person and have never had an altercation with them, I’m still preparing myself to defend against being punched.  Their actions have lead me to believe I should.  Now once I knock them to the ground and they say, “Man, what did you do that for?  I was just playing” I’ll reply, “Well, it sure didn’t look that way.”

Secondly, your intent can be expressed without you even saying where you want the situation to go.  So choose wisely when trying to make a point.  If you don’t want to get in a fight, then don’t make it look like you do.  If you don’t want to get into an argument, then be calm, lower your voices and back away from the situation.  If you want someone to love you, then show them that you love them.  Don’t lead the life of a friend if you want to become the spouse.  Pretty easy right?

rightandwrong1Lastly, know that there are consequences for every decision you make.  I witness far too many miscommunications between couples and friends that ultimately lead to the relationship being deeply scarred.  Most of it is due to a lack of responsibility to hold yourself accountable for what you do and say.  And no, time heals absolutely nothing people.  It just allows for those scars to scab and become even more ugly.  So, let’s stop expecting others to give you the benefit of the doubt when your actions are evidence that you shouldn’t be trusted.

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